


This was Originally Called "Temptation Waits", but the Title was Left in the Car

by The_Red_Rabbit



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 12:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19172998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Red_Rabbit/pseuds/The_Red_Rabbit
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley rewritten as women, navigating history and each other. Based on a post I made that accidentally turned into this Aziraphale and Crowley Lesbian AU. Changing their genders changed a lot about this story, but mostly it remained the same. Written from the perspective of someone who read the book once 8 years ago and recently watched the Amazon series so I have kept a lot of scenes intact (and decided I liked the idea of Crowley as a redhead after Tennant's portrayal).





	This was Originally Called "Temptation Waits", but the Title was Left in the Car

**Author's Note:**

> Michael Sheen, if you're reading this, you're the only bitch I trust.

“Welcome to paradise! As you can see, everything’s just absolutely lovely and we’re absolutely delighted that you won the cosmological sweepstakes, as it were, to end up here today! I’m Aziraphale, I’ll be your guide today. Adam and Eve, was it?” The pair nodded. “Wonderful! We’re very happy to have you.”

“Anything we should know?” Adam asked, looking about the garden at the vast splendor that was before him.

“Yes, any kind of ground rules we should be made aware of?” his companion Eve added.

“No, no, of course not,” Aziraphale said, as if this were a silly notion. “You’re our trial humans - unburdened by any sort of notion of mischief whatsoever, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Shouldn’t be putting ideas into your head! Best to keep your innocence, you know...But yes, actually, now that I think on it, there is one slight ground rule. Just a tiny smidge of a rule, you’ll hardly notice it’s there, it’s not really that difficult to follow, I promise.”

“And…” Eve asked. “What would that be?”

“Well, as you can see, the Garden is fully stocked with everything you could possibly need. You will want for nothing, as this is all included with the package. Just...erm...do try to be mindful of the apple tree. Tiniest little rule about that one apple tree. Its fruits bear the weight of all knowledge of good and evil, and God, in her infinite wisdom, does not wish to burden you with that kind of...well, burden, as it were.” Aziraphale’s smile faltered ever so slightly and she brandished a rather alarmingly big flaming sword to punctuate the point. “This will not be a problem, I trust? It’s one tiny little rule, not very hard to follow whatsoever?”

Eve just sized up their new angel friend. “Right. Not hard to follow whatsoever.”

Aziraphale’s smile returned. “Right. Now that this is all crystal clear, please avail yourself of whatever else your heart may desire.”

Aziraphale watched as the two brand-new humans walked away into the garden, and elected to take a seat on a stone overlooking the apple tree. She trusted that Adam and Eve wouldn’t be curious at all about this one thing - this one very small thing she’d warned them not to be curious about. After all, humanity was built with an inherent goodness, they wouldn’t reject God’s divine plan.

But nearby, unbeknownst to the angel, a different force was at work.

“Hello, sorry,” a woman with hair the color of a dying ember appeared before Eve where a second before only a snake had existed. “Hello, sorry, didn’t mean to intrude - well, I did, sort of, but anyhow - your name was Eve, was it?”

“Yeah,” Eve said, having no reason to be suspicious. “Who’re you?”

“That’s...not nearly as important as...Who is that?” The former snake nodded her head at the blonde angel who was sitting nearby looking at the tree and wishing there was something a bit more stimulating she could be doing (but alas, nothing entertaining had yet been invented). “The scary one? Over by the tree? Who is she?”

“Her?” Eve squinted. “That’s Aziraphale.”

“Aziraphale,” the she-snake tested the name in her mouth and found it felt quite nice. “I only overheard the last bit of your conversation - she’s a bit uptight about the tree, isn’t she? Doesn’t want someone meddling with it?”

“Suppose not.”

“Right, right…” the snake lady still hadn’t torn her eyes away. “Got a bit scary about it, didn’t she? I mean that wasn’t just me? Almost bordering on cherubic if I dare say so myself - and I don’t say that lightly, cherubs are frightful little buggers, wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of them-”

Eve thought she might be cottoning on. “And you’d, what? Like to get on the right side of that one?”

The stranger managed to tear her eyes away from Aziraphale long enough to glare at the human. “ _No._ I’m only saying, she’s scary. Got that big flaming sword - what’s that about? That’s hot. The sword, I mean.”

“Why don’t you go talk to her, then?”

“Oh I couldn’t do that! Wouldn’t know what to say! I mean, she’s an angel, and I’m, well, what I am. We have nothing in common. Absolutely would not get on. Plus nothing has yet happened in the universe - we’d be stuck talking about the weather, which is, of course, perfect.” She looked at Eve with sudden interest. “She really likes this tree, right?”

“Yeah, you could try talking to her about the tree-”

“What? No! Don’t be stupid! That’s frightfully boring. No, no...I was just thinking, Eve, that maybe under the circumstances you could, I dunno...Help a girl out? Give me a cool ice breaker? Like hey, sorry, sucks that the dumb humans ate your fancy smart apples or whatever, wanna talk about it?”

“That’s a...really dumb plan,” Eve said. She glanced over at Aziraphale. “But I’m bored, so I’m in.”

“Good good!” the former snake smiled. “I’m sure whatever the punishment for said transgression is won’t be too frightful. Probably just a minor inconvenience. Sure all the talk of wrath is just, well, talk.”

Of course she knew God's wrath only too well. She simply had trouble thinking of consequences.

…

The snake slithered up to the angel and solidified into human form once more.

“Hello,” it said, feeling rather useless and stupid as it said that. “Just thought I should warn you, one of your humans is hell-bent on eating one of your stupid knowledge apples.”

“What?” Aziraphale asked, alarmed by the sudden presence of a demon in her garden. “Begone with you! There is no place for you here in this sanctuary, foul demon!”

The demon sucked air through her teeth in a very apologetic sort of way. “Yeah, well, see, I’ve got to be here, haven’t I? Orders from home office. Balance of the universe type stuff, you know the deal. And I’m just trying to warn you, my very specific orders were to find out what exactly God’s deal was and thwart it. But I got distracted and, well, here we are. That’s one bloody big sword you got there. Nice. Looks hot. Temperature-wise, I mean.”

The angel glared at her. “I have no business with demons. I shall simply have to ignore you if you insist on continuing to pester me.”

“Yeah, well, I really wouldn’t if I were you. Ignore me, I mean.”

“And why not?”

“Well, mostly because I’m told I’m a delight. Not by anyone in particular, but I’m sure it’s common knowledge. But also because I happen to be right, and one of your silly humans is about to eat an apple.”

“If your plan was to convince a human to eat an apple, then why would you tell me? Wouldn’t that thwart your Satanic plans?”

The demon hadn’t thought this part through. “Oh I suppose it rather would. He will not be happy about that, I’ll probably get a formal reprimand for daring to talk to you about this at all.”

Aziraphale clearly didn’t believe her. “Right…”

“Look, Eve’s about to do it now! If you’ll just look-”

“Please, you must think me some kind of fool. This is one angel who will not _fall_ for that…”

“But if you’ll just look behind you-”

“Absolutely not-”

“But she’s got the apple-”

“No she hasn’t-”

“And she’s going to eat the apple-”

“Your tricks have no power over me, demon-”

“And she’s eaten it! And so has Adam! Now, don’t you wish you’d listened to me?”

Aziraphale felt the change in the air and turned her head. “Oh, damn it all…”

The demon looked over the angel for a long second before sidling in a bit closer. “Anyway, yeah, I’m Crowley. Sure is a shame about your fancy apple tree, isn’t it?”

…

“Bit of an overreaction if you ask me. First offense and everything. Can’t see what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway. I mean, is there such a big difference between our sides when it comes down to it?”

“I mean presumably there is a big difference.”

“Not from my perspective…” Crowley let this thought trail off. “Not very subtle of the Almighty, is it? Fruit tree in the middle of a Garden with a ‘do not touch’ sign on it? Almost begging to be defiled, the way I see it. If you didn’t want it to be consumed, you wouldn’t’ve put it where humans could find it. You wouldn’t’ve created it at all. It was a test that was made to be failed.”

“Wouldn’t’ve failed if you hadn’t tempted them into it,” Aziraphale pointed out.

“I can’t tempt someone into doing something they don’t already want to do,” Crowley pointed out. “I can tell people to murder or commit adultery all I want, and at the end of the day if they don’t actually want to do it then it’s just an intrusive thought. If Eve hadn’t wanted to eat that apple, she would’ve ignored me.”

“Still, you’re meddling with the plan.”

“The plan?” she raised her eyebrows mockingly. “What plan? Tell me, if you’re so clued in, what is this plan everyone keeps going on about? You don’t know, do you?”

“It’s not for us to know or understand. It’s ineffable.”

Crowley couldn’t help but smile at the odd choice of words. “Ineffable? Did you just say ineffable?”

“I did, yes, it’s ineffable.” Aziraphale was very adamant about this word choice. Her stubbornness was only making Crowley like her more.

“Ineffable?” Crowley was a bit mocking now. “Can’t you just speak like a person?”

“Well I’m not exactly a person, am I? And neither are you.”

“Fair point, well taken.”

“It is ineffable, of that at least I’m sure,” Aziraphale pressed the point. “It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.”

Crowley just looked at her then. “Not sure I agree with you on that, but I think I could name a thing or two that fit that description quite well-”

Aziraphale turned to look at her properly then. “What are you doing? Why are you still here?”

“Why are you?” Crowley asked, taking this as adversarial. “Say, didn’t you have a great big sword? That big flaming one? I liked that sword. Got a thing for swords, me.”

“Oh I gave that away. To the humans. They’ll need it out there in the cold.” She was suddenly anxious in a way that she hadn’t outwardly shown to anyone before. “I do hope I haven’t done the wrong thing…”

Crowley experienced, for the first time, the sensation of something being endearing. She couldn't say whether it was the act of pure selflessness, the defiance of the Great Plan, or the anxiety over potential consequences that she found so endearing. Maybe it was all of it. “Oh you’re an angel. I don’t think you can do the wrong thing.”

Relief came flooding from Aziraphale as if a dam had burst - it almost seemed as if she’d been holding her breath right before that moment. She placed a hand to her chest. “Thank you, it’s been bothering me.”

“I’ve been worrying too,” Crowley admitted. “What if I did the right thing? I could get in a lot of trouble if this all turns out to have been for the best.” She chuckled. “It’d be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one?”

Aziraphale laughed suddenly as well, and Crowley noted the way she almost-but-not-quite seemed to glow when she smiled. She was about to comment on how nice that smile was when-

“No,” Aziraphale said, suddenly becoming serious and straightening up again. “It wouldn’t be funny at all.” And suddenly the worry was back.

“Sorry, can I ask?” Crowley asked, after just a moment of awkward silence. “I didn’t catch a name back there.”

“Aziraphale.”

Crowley nodded. “Aziraphale,” she tested the name in her mouth again. “Yes, I quite like that. Has a nice ring to it. Celestial but in a vaguely threatening way.”

…

Quite a bit of time passed before the two would meet again. The world seemed much more vast in those days, so it was quite difficult to piece together a meet cute without arousing suspicions of divine intervention. But one day, Aziraphale happened to be traveling along a winding dirt road when she found herself accosted by a band of highwaymen. She found herself torn from her horse by rough hands and pushed to the ground as her bags were searched.

“What’s a young lass like you doing out all by your lonesome?” one of the brigands asked her, brandishing a small sword in her face. “Doesn’t seem very wise, does it? And unarmed as well!”

Aziraphale found herself distinctly nettled by the derisive laughter from the men - she’d experienced it many times before. But she had found her small stature and presumed gender to be a distinctive, disarming advantage in the past.

“What is not wise, my good sir,” she said, defiantly. “Is accosting strangers in the street. I could be most anyone. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

The men only laughed again. “Pretty little thing, isn’t she?” the first man laughed. He pulled away the cloth that she kept tied over her hair, allowing the blonde tresses to cascade round her shoulders. “That’s a rather striking hair color, miss. Especially on one of your complexion. One might think that’s not altogether natural.”

She glared at him. “It isn’t, at least not by the laws that govern your world.”

“She hasn’t much of value on her,” one of the other men said, having searched her bags.

The man looked her over and dragged her to her feet. “Wouldn’t say that, now...I’m certain she can make herself useful to us tonight.” He began trying to roughly drag her away towards their caravan, but she wrenched an arm free and scratched his face.

“I’m warning you,” she shouted. “All of you. There will be consequences to any action against me! Of that, you can be sure!”

The first man had seemed briefly angered by the injury, but then regained his interest and amusement. “This one has fire in her veins.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” a voice said.

The men turned to see a vivacious young woman whose long red hair was thrown over her shoulder and tied with a silk sash. She was hopping off of a rather magnificent black horse. The men raised their swords to her, but she merely smiled in a taunting sort of way as she brandished her own, considerably longer sword before her. “No really, I expect you’ve insulted the lady. Me, on the other hand...I’m all fire and brimstone.” She glanced over at Aziraphale with a wink. “Bet you’re missing that flaming sword right about now, aren’t’cha, Aziraphale?”

“What are you doing here?” Aziraphale asked, completely at a loss.

“Was on my way to see a show, thought you could use a hand.”

“Wouldja look at that, boys?” the man laughed. “Looks like another young lass thinks she can take us on. You even know how to use that thing, lassie?”

She batted her eyelashes and became demure, holding the sword in front of her as if suddenly embarrassed to be caught with such a thing. “You know, now you mention it...I could use a few pointers. Why don’t you come over here with your big strong man hands and show me?”

The other men whistled. “Eh? Yeah, I could do that, miss, quick as you like…” He was clearly flattered by the attention. He stepped over to her. “Don’t think a young lady like yourself ought to be holding one of these, you’re liable to hurt yourself. And what strange clothing you’re wearing too! Trousers on a lady! I’ve never seen the like.”

“Thank you ever so much, sir,” Crowley continued this suddenly innocent act. “You’re completely right, this was all foolish of me…”

“There now, don’t you fret,” he said. “Now if you’ll just...hand over the weapon to me, there’s a good lass…”

She allowed the man to take the weapon, but the second it was out of her grasp she elbowed him in the face. The sword slipped from his fingers and she scooped it out of thin air and began fighting the brigands - mostly just temporarily disabling them, though she did have to cut a few of them down. Aziraphale also took the opportunity to fight back as well. Suddenly the two of them found themselves face to face, staring each other down over this impromptu battlefield.

“Come on!” Crowley shouted, nodding her head back at her horse and backing towards it.

“Come...where?” Aziraphale asked, very suspicious.

“Well I dunno, do I?” She was clearly exasperated. “Just getting the hell away from here, fast as we can!”

“Thanks, but I’ve got my own-” She looked for her horse, then noticed it had run off in the commotion.

“No time for arguments!” Crowley said, impatiently. She hopped on her horse and brought it round to the angel. She offered a hand. “Now quick! Before these very angry men get up and insist on accosting us once more!”

Aziraphale looked at the hand suspiciously, but then decided there wasn’t time and she needed to make a snap decision. She took the hand and accepted the help getting behind Crowley on the horse.

“You’re going to have to put your arms around me,” Crowley pointed out.

“What?” This was an alarming prospect.

“We’ve gotta ride fast and I don’t want you falling off!” Aziraphale continued to hesitate, so Crowley sighed. “Oh for the love of...Have I got to do everything myself?” She reached behind her and took Aziraphale’s arms, forcing them around her waist. “There. Better. Shall we go, then?”

But just then, one of the thieves reached up and took Crowley’s arm. “You’re not going anywhere,” he growled.

“Wanna bet?” she grinned. Then her whole face changed. Where before there had been the face of a beautiful woman, a great big snake jumped out at the man. He fell backwards with a scream as she settled back into a woman, with a satisfied smirk. “There. I feel better. How about you?” She called this last part back to Aziraphale.

“Just ride, will you?” she asked, wearily.

“As you wish.”

They rode off into the gathering night, as fast as the horse would take them. But after a time, the horse began to get weary and Crowley slowed it in a ravine. She helped Aziraphale off of the horse then got to work tying it to a tree. Aziraphale looked around, startled to find a place of such beauty - she hadn’t seen anything like it since they left the garden. This small pocket of the world housed a hidden spring, being fed on one side by a waterfall.

“I’d take the horse,” Crowley explained. “But she doesn’t much like the water.”

“Take her where?” Aziraphale asked, suspicions raised even in a place like this.

Crowley simply smiled. “Come with me, angel.” It was almost a soft statement, and she beckoned her mortal enemy towards the waterfall.

“So what’s your plan here?” Aziraphale didn’t budge, simply crossing her arms. “You intend to drown me?”

Crowley’s old smirk was back as she turned to face her companion. “Why would I want to do that? Wouldn’t go to all the trouble of saving your skin just to discorporate you now. We’re simply making camp for the night. You’re welcome to leave if you wish, but please don’t take my horse. Would be such an inconvenience.” She walked forward a few paces into the water. “Are you coming or not? I promise you that these waters aren’t some sort of Satanic Baptism.”

Aziraphale thought this over, face utterly impassive. Then she acquiesced. “Don’t make me regret this.”

Crowley smiled to herself, satisfied by this response and by the angel deciding to follow along. “You won’t.” She stopped just short of the thundering waterfall. “You’re gonna like this.” Then she disappeared under the water.

The angel stood there, a sudden anxiety filling her. “Where’ve you gone to, then? Is this some sort of trick?”

“You’ll just have to come in here to find out!” was the shouted response.

“I’d have to be pretty foolish, wouldn’t I, to go into a probable trap after a demon!”

“Oh for the love of...Just come on in! The water’s fine!”

Aziraphale fretted over this for a moment before plunging in herself.

Crowley just sat there smirking as Aziraphale emerged into the small cave. “I knew that would work like a charm,” she gloated. “Look at you dripping wet like someone who didn’t think to use her wings to shield herself from the water.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Yes, I am. I could’ve if I wanted to. But wanted to see what you’d look like soaked through. It’s a nice look on you.”

Aziraphale looked around. “What is this place?” It was beautiful and cozy - almost as if it were a place that had been built specifically to offer the two of them refuge and not exist to anyone else. Which, of course, it was.

“Small cave I’ve made my camp in for the moment,” Crowley replied. “Don’t think anyone else knows it’s here, so it’s safe for a woman-shaped demon to camp in.” She finished kindling a fire. “Come on, you’ll freeze over there.”

“I…” Aziraphale hesitated again.

Crowley rolled her eyes. “Do you ever stop thinking so much? Just come sit down. Have a bit of this fish I’m cooking up.”

“Cooking?” Aziraphale was fascinated despite herself and came around to watch. “But I was under the assumption that demons didn’t have to eat - just the same as we don’t.”

“We don’t,” Crowley admitted. “I just tried some food a few centuries back and...Well, it’s really rather good. You should try some. It’s the simple pleasures, you know?”

“I really don’t know…”

“Well you won’t until you try it of course. Now...you wanna sit or keep hovering over my shoulder? Because being dripped on is not the typical way I enjoy getting wet.”

Aziraphale made the decision to sit opposite Crowley as the meat cooked. “That is a rather unusual manner of dress,” she noted. “How’ve you managed to get away with that?”

Crowley shrugged. “How’ve you managed to get by in the restrictive garments the female humans wear? I should think those skirts would restrict any movement. You seem completely encumbered by them.”

“Perhaps, a bit. But I blend in.”

“There’s no way someone like you could ever blend in.”

“I cover my hair-”

“That’s not what I meant.”

A short silence fell between them.

“So what are you doing traveling all alone? And through Samaritan country, no less?” Crowley asked, finally. “No weapons, no anything.”

“I have no use for weapons.”

“The question still stands.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, but you clearly won’t. You didn’t even initiate violence with those scoundrels til I opened the door to it. You’re too good, angel. Too soft.”

“And you? You’re only too willing to cut a man down in cold blood, I suppose.”

“I resent the accusation,” Crowley replied, wearily. “I actually...resent quite a few things. Just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I relish in violence. I find the whole thing quite tiresome.”

“And just because I’m an angel doesn’t mean I’m too soft to take care of myself. I’ll have you know that I do quite well on my own - no weapons needed. Got into a scrape in Mongolia recently, and though I’m not proud of it I doubt they’ll be bothering anyone ever again.”

Crowley raised her eyebrows. “Sounds serious.”

“It rather was. Drastic times, and all that…”

Another short silence fell.

“So why, then?” Crowley asked. “Why, if you’re willing to go that far, didn’t you?”

“I was nurturing the hope that rescue would come to me first. Though I do have to admit that I wasn’t counting on it being you. Was hoping for a kind passer by to take pity on a lady.”

Crowley laughed. “A kind passer by? Here? What, you were counting on a good Samaritan?”

Aziraphale laughed as well. “Does sound sort of ridiculous when you put it like that. Though you shouldn’t stereotype.”

Crowley shook her head. “A good Samaritan. There is no such animal.”

God took that as a personal challenge.

Aziraphale slowly got serious again. “But really. Why save me?”

Crowley didn’t immediately answer. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“We’re hereditary enemies,” Aziraphale reminded her.

“Still.”

“Could’ve left me to die - expect that would make things easier for you.”

“Don’t think it would, actually.”

Aziraphale thought this a strange statement, but again allowed a short silence.

“You know I checked with head office,” she said at last. “Asked about you.”

“You did, did you?” was her teasing reply.

“I’m afraid I must’ve misheard you the first time we met. Thought you said your name was Crowley. But it is Crawly, apparently?”

“No, see, you heard me right the first time. I’m not Crawly, never liked Crawly. Humans always want to call me Crawly, because of the snake thing. Think it’s a bit unfair. Trying to get it started that the name is Crowley. Bit more sophisticated. I like that better.”

Aziraphale considered this. “Yes, I suppose I see your point.”

“Here,” Crowley said, handing her a kabobed fish. “Try this.” Aziraphale looked at it cautiously so Crowley rolled her eyes. “Oh for the love of...It’s not poisoned. What reason would I have to poison you now? After all this trouble?” She took a bite of her own kabob.

“So where are you heading?” Aziraphale asked, still not touching the food. “Tomorrow, I mean.”

“Heard rumors that God is throwing another one of her tantrums,” Crowley said through a mouthful of fish. “Factory reset in Mesopotamia.”

“Ah, you’ve heard about the Arc thing. That’s where I’m heading too.”

“Maybe we should go together?” Crowley proposed. “We’re heading to the same place, no use splitting up at this point.”

“I dunno...If you’re heading there, shouldn’t I be thwarting you?”

“Hey, this is nothing to do with the grand plan. This is just simple curiosity. Think of it like a day trip, a holiday, a small vacation.”

Aziraphale considered this. “But we shouldn’t be seen together in public.”

“Why not?”

“Because...well, because we just shouldn’t.”

“Lighten up, it’s not like anyone we know will be there.”

Aziraphale absently took a bite of her fish. “Hmm...this is...this is actually quite good. Very enjoyable.”

Crowley smiled. “What did I tell you?” She took a small flask out of her pocket and took a swig before offering it to Aziraphale. “Sikaru?”

“Pardon?”

“Sikaru. It’s an intoxicating beverage the Mesopotamians invented. It’s also quite pleasurable. Have you not stumbled upon its like elsewhere?”

“If I understand your meaning, it would be a little like Kui - a drink I heard tell of when I was in China. I didn’t imbibe there either. No thank you, demon.”

“Eh, suit yourself.” Crowley took another swig.

…

Aziraphale woke up first the following morning, and moved quietly so as not to wake her companion. She unfurled her wings to shield her from the water as she made her way to the horse. She saddled her up as quietly as she could, thinking all the while of making her escape. But then. She didn’t.

Aziraphale returned to the cave. “Wake up. We’ve got a bit of a journey left.”

Crowley looked up at her blearily. “You’re still here. Didn’t make off in the night with my horse?”

“No. I didn’t. Couldn’t tell you why, to be honest. Can I ask, though...Why not just use your demonic powers to get around? Why use a horse?”

“Suppose for the same reason you don’t use your angelic powers all the time.”

“Which is?”

“Gets boring. Takes all the fun out of it. And in your case, probably requires paperwork and the filing of a detailed flight plan. Miracles and all that.”

…

“Well that was a thing,” Crowley said. “Now I expect we’d better get out of here before the rains hit. Fancy getting a drink? Maybe a bite?”

“No,” Aziraphale replied. “I saw what I came to see. Now we’ll part and go our separate ways.”

…

And they did, for another large swath of time. They lingered at opposite parts of the world before finally converging once more at a particularly gruesome execution.

“I shouldn’t be surprised to see you here,” Aziraphale noted. “I suppose this is just your sort of entertainment.”

“Believe it or not, I don’t really have the stomach for this sort of brutality,” Crowley noted, wincing as the poor lad was nailed to a cross. “As I keep trying to tell you. Humans astonish me with their particular inventiveness when it comes to inflicting. If they could put half that creativity into something a bit less gruesome, imagine what they could accomplish…”

Aziraphale sized up the demon. “One would almost think you didn’t want this to happen?”

“Why should I? I get nothing from it. Don’t even properly know what this guy’s deal is. What’s he said that’s got everyone so upset?”

“Be kind to each other.”

“Oh yeah,” Crowley nodded. “That’ll do it.” They stayed quiet for a moment as the execution got progressively more gruesome. “You know what? Actually, I think I need a drink. You coming with?”

Aziraphale hesitated, but found herself profoundly disturbed as well. “Yeah, I rather think I am. This one time.”

…

“You know what I don’t get?” Crowley slurred, taking another swig of her drink. “Why God in her infinite wisdom would put us in these bodies. Because, I mean, yes, we have certain advantages and can take care of ourselves but...It is so much trouble being the only emissaries on Earth when we’ve got to present as female. I mean, the sheer amount of hassle the humans insist on inflicting upon us just for a presumed gender...it’s a bit mental.”

“I don’t think God planned us to have this much trouble,” Aziraphale pointed out. “I mean, she probably didn’t anticipate that the humans would choose to be so particularly cruel.”

Crowley laughed. “Did you just suggest that God didn’t anticipate something? That she’s not all-knowing?”

Aziraphale was suddenly mollified. “I didn’t mean to be blasphemous-”

“Relax, Zira, I doubt she’s listening to you,” she patted her on the shoulder. “I mean, I know she technically always is, but I’m sure she’s got better things to do. You’re a good little soldier, no way she’s smiting you for that.”

The angel just stared down at her shoulder, at the spot where Crowley’s hand had rested for that brief moment. She was wondering at how warm her hand had been, that the heat of it could be felt even through the thick clothing she was wearing. She figured that had something to do with her demonic energy. She shrugged this off.

…

Another large swath of time passed before the two would meet again - this time in ancient Rome.

“Crowley?”

She turned around to see Aziraphale behind her in the street. “Zira! Fancy seeing you here!”

“It’s been a while,” Aziraphale noted. “What brings you here?”

“Just nipped in for a quick temptation. You?”

“Trying Petronius’ new restaurant. I hear he does remarkable things to oysters.”

“I’ve never had an oyster,” Crowley admitted.

“You haven’t?” the angel raised her eyebrows. “Have we finally found something I’ve got to first?”

“Since when are you the food connoisseur? Last I checked, you weren’t all for Earthly pleasures.”

“Yeah, well, I rather changed my mind about that. Figured if I’m going to be here, might as well enjoy it. Gets a bit boring otherwise.”

Crowley nodded. “That it does.”

Aziraphale smiled. “So what of it then? You’ve really never had an oyster?”

“Never.”

“Well, why don’t you and I get a drink?”

Crowley raised her eyebrows. “First food and now a drink? Who are you really?”

Aziraphale chuckled. “Come on, allow me to tempt you to…” She realized her word choice at the same time that Crowley did, and they both chuckled.

“Hey, that’s my job!” Crowley protested. “Don’t tell me you’re gunning for my job now!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it…”

The two of them had dinner and drinks.

…

 

The night progressed, and they ended up getting into another one of their debates.

“Another thing I simply do not understand,” Crowley admitted. “Is how humans continually reject all evidence of things if it contradicts what they already believe. You simply propose intellectual discourse here and you’re burned as a witch.”

“Science and faith aren’t oppositional forces,” Aziraphale pointed out. “They shouldn’t be, anyway. Just who do some of these people think CREATED these forces? It’s not blasphemy to uncover how they work and give a name to them.”

“It’s just bloody mental is what it is! Especially with God these days taking a more back-seat approach to things these days, there is no force in the universe more powerful than science!”

“There is. Belief.”

“Don’t go all sentimental on me-”

“No I mean it. That’s what the big secret to it all is. Humans are so stubborn because evidence and fact will never be as powerful as what they already believe.”

“Suppose so,” Crowley replied, after giving this a moment’s thought. “But I don’t think that’s all on humans. I mean your lot is a bit like that too.”

“How d’ya mean?” Aziraphale asked, nettled by the comment.

“I mean, surely you’ve noticed the angels have a certain tendency to be defined oppositionally. It’s a very us-vs-them, don’t-ask-questions sort of approach.”

“And your lot is any better?”

“At least we ask questions.”

“Do you?”

Crowley thought about this. “In the beginning, perhaps...but these days less and less…”

Aziraphale could see that the thought troubled her. “Can I ask you a question, then?”

“I’d encourage it.”

“Why do it? Or rather...Why did you do it? Why fall?”

“I didn’t choose it. Not like the others did. Just sort of fell in with a crowd, thought we made a lot of sense...and perhaps we did. I didn’t so much fall, really, as saunter vaguely downward. Pulled along with the current. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“And was it?”

“Well it got us this far, didn’t it?”

Aziraphale smiled. “Suppose it did.”

“See, you get me,” Crowley said.

Aziraphale chuckled. “Not remotely...but maybe a bit. Sometimes. Mostly I don’t like you at all.”

Crowley had a most astonishing feeling of warmth towards Aziraphale then - one that she couldn’t explain. She took Aziraphale’s hands in her own and began idly examining them.

“What are you doing?” Aziraphale asked.

“Relax, just taking a look,” Crowley said, her hands almost alarmingly hot. “Has anyone ever told you that you have very lovely hands?” Then she realized what she was doing. “Think these oysters are having a weird effect on me. Think I’ll turn in for the night.”

…

"I thank you for taking me in for the night, my lady," Crowley was saying.

"Well I wouldn't turn you out on a night like this," Queen Guinevere said kindly. "We'll furnish you with a horse for your travels in the morning, though I do say it is ill-advised for a women to travel alone. Why don't you freshen up and meet us downstairs for some supper?"

...

Crowley marveled at how easy it had been to gain access to King Arthur's court - Arthur had mistaken her for a damsel in distress and offered her a place for the night. She presented herself for dinner at the appointed time.

"Ah, there she is, our guest!" King Arthur said. "You've met the knights already, but allow me to introduce you to our other guest. Lady Crowley, allow me to introduce you to Lady Aziraphale."

Crowley's eyes hadn't left the king since she'd entered the room, but now they snapped sharply to the indicated lady. "Actually," she said with a smile. "We've met already."

...

"What are you doing here?" Aziraphale asked sharply, after the dinner had concluded.

"Supposed to tempt the young lady into bedding a knight or some such thing," Crowley said, dismissively. "I'm much more interested in you. That dress is lovely, by the way."

Aziraphale found herself nearly blushing from the compliment before she shrugged it off. "It's most unusual to find you in a dress," she pointed out.

"Well I couldn't very well come to court dressed in my usual manner, could I?" she said, with mock exasperation. "Honestly, we've got to stop meeting like this, angel."

The real secret was that Crowley hadn't meant to be at the castle at all - she'd just been passing through. But the lie was worth it, because she'd decided to stay a while.

...

One night on the full moon, Crowley returned through a side entrance and was grabbed roughly by the arms and pressed to the wall.

"What do you think you're doing?" Aziraphale hissed, glancing about.

"What did you have in mind?" Crowley teased.

"Come off it," Aziraphale said, letting go of her and stepping back. "Don't think I don't notice you disappearing in the dead of night to those woods! Honestly - Morgan Le Fay, Crowley?"

"Jealous?"

"What? Of course not. I know you two are not...The point is, Crowley, that this endeavor of yours is spectacularly dangerous. I mean, Morgan Le Fay?" She repeated the name as if she could scarce believe it.

"We're friends."

"You can't be _friends_ with Morgan Le Fay, Crowley! You know what the people around here say about her! If you get swept up in it-"

She laughed. "Are you worried about me, angel?"

She fumed for a moment, at a loss for words. "Treat _very_ lightly, Crowley."

...

Crowley managed to get herself swept up in it, and was thrown in a dungeon after her trial went spectacularly badly. The doors creaked open.

"This is exactly what I told you would happen."

"Come to gloat, Aziraphale?" Crowley asked without turning her back. "Say you told me so?"

"I did tell you so, but it gives me absolutely no pleasure being right in this matter."

"And why not? We've been working against each other the entire time I've been in Camelot! Suspect with me out of the picture, it would make things easier for you."

"Don't think it would, actually," she replied, softly.

Crowley turned around to face her then. "Why are you here? Why come at all? If not to watch me get inconveniently discorporated-"

Aziraphale grabbed her by the arms and suddenly they found themselves in a field somewhere in Greece. She let go immediately once they'd touched solid ground.

"I came to do that. Because you saved my life before and...and we're even now."

"Even?" Crowley asked, astonished. "I mean, Aziraphale...I was never keeping score. And...and I would've saved myself eventually in some dramatic way. You didn't...you didn't have to do that."

Aziraphale just nodded. "I suspect you've got a bit of a death wish, Crowley. So yes, I had to come...repay you for your, well, I won't call it kindness. Your version of it, anyway. I'll just be going then."

Crowley watched her walk away with that same strange feeling brewing that she'd felt the night they'd had oysters together in Rome.

She was a demon.

Aziraphale was an angel.

And yet, somehow, even though Crowley was a heartless monster incapable of real genuine feeling...She couldn’t help but really like Aziraphale. Maybe a bit more than she should.

No, scratch that.

Much more than she should.

“You know, I’m getting rather bored with all the constant travel,” Crowley said to her. “I mean, we’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

“What would you suggest?” Aziraphale replied, keeping her back turned.

“I’m saying if they’re going to continue to send us both to the same place, we should just...Come to some sort of Arrangement. You know...One of us goes, does both the saving and the tempting...Does the job of both of us, you know? We can take turns.”

Aziraphale turned around. “That’s a terrible idea!” she said, absolutely scandalized. “Why would I do that?”

Crowley shrugged. “Just to mix things up a little.” She didn't want to admit that she was very nervous about how much she liked her.

...

Crowley sent Aziraphale a letter inviting her to the Globe to experience Shakespeare, and the two of them enjoyed that together immensely. Though there was one moment in the show where Crowley reached over to make a derisive comment and clutched her arm, and Aziraphale felt that same shockwave of warmth flow through her.

“Excuse me,” a woman behind them said. “Would you and your friend mind keeping it down?”

“Oh we’re not friends,” Aziraphale said. “But we’ll try.”

They left the theatre and Crowley linked arms with Aziraphale.

“What do you want?” the angel asked.

“Why would you insinuate that I might possibly want something?” Crowley teased.

“You sent me this letter inviting me here...And you’re, well... _You._ You are up to no good.”

She chuckled. “Obviously. You’re up to lots of good, I take it?”

“I have to be in Edinburgh at the end of the week. A couple blessings, some minor miracles…”

“Funny, I’ve got to be in Edinburgh too. Temptation deal. But you know what I’m thinking? It’s a bit of a waste, both of us going to Scotland.”

“Not this argument again. Shouldn’t you be a bit more drunk before you start spouting this nonsense?”

“Come on, we’ve done this before - dozens of times now! And it’s your turn. I took that last bit over Moscow. The Arrangement-”

“Don’t say that-”

“Our respective head offices don’t care how things actually get done, they just want to know so they can cross it off the list.”

“But if Hell ever finds out, they won’t just be angry, they’ll destroy you.”

“Nobody ever has to know,” Crowley insisted. “But it’s so cute that you worry about me.”

Aziraphale blinked. “What? No I don’t. You’re a demon, why would I worry about you?”

Crowley just smirked at her for a moment before unlinking their arms and snaking her now freed arm around Aziraphale’s shoulder. “You know, we could always come to another sort of Arrangement entirely...We could both go to Scotland…”

Aziraphale swatted her hands away. “What is this? Like some sort of date? Trying to tempt the angel into going on holiday? No, you know what, fine, tease me all you want. I’ll go to Scotland. Alone. It’s my turn anyway.”

“You take all the fun out of things, angel…”

“If you want to know about fun, you should try reading a book once in a while. Humans have started taking that creative energy and funneling it to something worthwhile. It’s really astonishing what they can do.”

…

Aziraphale got into a spot of trouble with the French - they were hell-bent on executing her along with the nobles during their little revolution. But Crowley swooped in and saved her again.

“That was quite the narrow escape,” Aziraphale said, as they were having a drink afterwards. “Almost didn’t think I was getting out of that one.”

“You could’ve,” Crowley pointed out. “Why didn’t you just miracle your way out of that one?”

“I was formally reprimanded,” the angel explained. “They said I’d performed too many frivolous miracles. Got a strongly worded letter from Gabriel.”

“Yeah, well, always thought he was a bit of a dick.”

“He is, a bit…” Aziraphale admitted, before a touch of that old anxiety was back. “Oh dear, please don’t tell anyone I said that. I suppose I should say thanks for the rescue, though.”

“Don’t say that! If my lot hear that I rescued an angel, I’ll be the one in trouble! And they don’t send rude notes.”

“Let me at least buy you lunch.”

…

"It was about you, you know."

"What was?" Crowley asked.

"The reprimand," Aziraphale responded. "They didn't...they didn't know the details but...they knew I'd rescued someone from burning at the stake and thought that might be a bit too public. If they'd known it was you...I shudder to think."

...

They didn't see each other for some time after that. Crowley spotted her first, across the crowded room. And for once, this was a bad thing.

 _fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..._ she thought, as she turned around quickly. _You need to get the hell out of here before she sees you!_

"Crowley?"

Crowley froze before turning around slowly. "Aziraphale! Fancy seeing you here!"

"Could say the same to you," the angel was a bit puzzled. "A suffragette rally, Crowley?"

"Yeah, well, you know me. Can't resist a little rebellion. Didn't think this would be your scene, though."

"It's a good cause. I go where I'm needed."

Crowley suddenly felt very fond of the angel. "Yeah, well, it was good of you to drop by. Now if you could just...never mention to anyone that you saw me here..."

"Why?" the angel asked. Then she caught on. "This wasn't _your_ doing in some way, surely?"

The demon was awkward. "Well..." she admitted. "I was trying to stir up a little trouble, little bit of discontent and rebellion. You know me..."

"But you accidentally did some good," the angel smiled, almost seeming to glow.

"And home office wouldn't be pleased if they found out. So please."

"I won't tell a soul."

...

Aziraphale managed to get herself into another tight spot. Over-extended herself, she could say. She could also say she’d trusted the wrong people. But here she was, in this church, about to be blitzed to oblivion by the Nazis...with no escape in sight.

Suddenly the door opened and a woman hopped her way inside as if the floor itself were scalding her.

“Sorry!” Crowley shouted. “Consecrated ground! It’s like being at the beach in bare feet!”

Aziraphale couldn’t help but smile with relief. “Crowley. You look ridiculous! What are you doing here?”

“Saving your skin, of course,” her friend grinned. “Same as I always do! Don’t want you getting discorporated now! Think of the paperwork!”

“Always so considerate, aren’t you, Crowley?” she rolled her eyes.

“Who are you?” the Nazi spy shouted.

“Sorry, where are my manners?” Crowley said. “Oh right! Haven’t got any! Artemis J Crowley.”

“What does the J stand for?” Aziraphale asked.

She shrugged. “It’s just a J, really.”

…

When the dust settled on the church and the two of them found themselves rather miraculously intact, Aziraphale looked over at her friend.

“That was very kind of you.”

“Shut up!” Crowley replied, instantly taking offense.

“Well it was!” she insisted. “No paperwork, for a start...Quite considerate, if you ask me.” Then she had a sudden thought and became distressed. “The books! I forgot all the books! They’ll be blown to-”

Crowley handed her the bag with the books in it. “Little demonic miracle of my own. Lift home?” She walked away.

Aziraphale gazed after her friend, suddenly seeing her in a new light. She’d saved her skin several times now, and for no particular good reason that she could see. But this...this wasn’t saving her life, this was her books. There was absolutely no good reason why Crowley would be so kind to her. That she was even capable of this sort of kindness was, in itself, nothing short of remarkable.

“You coming, angel?” Crowley turned back to face her.

“Yes, my dear, I rather think I am,” Aziraphale smiled, though with a certain amount of internal panic.

She was an angel.

Crowley was a demon.

And yet, somehow, even though she was above such things...She couldn’t help but really like her. Maybe a bit more than she should.

No, scratch that.

Much more than she should.

…  
They went for a drink.

“You’re rather quiet,” Crowley noted the way she’d been staring at her with the most impassive look on her face.

She snapped out of it. “Yeah, sorry.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Oh just...philosophy.”

She tilted her head, considering this. “Normally I’d avoid such subjects so I’m going to regret this...But what about philosophy.”

“Just why a demon would keep doing all this for me. Over and over again. I am an angel, after all.”

“Don’t start getting funny ideas, angel…”

“I’m not,” she insisted. “It’s not like I think you actually care or anything. I mean you’re a demon. Theoretically it’s impossible for you to care.”

“You asking me if I love you, angel?”

“Not at all. I know that’s impossible. You’re a demon, after all. Demons can’t love.”

“Who says that?”

Aziraphale thought about this. “I dunno. Just feels like something we all know.”

Crowley looked at her for a moment over the firelight, and it reminded them both of the first time they’d shared a meal in that cave. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we can’t. I’ve seen no evidence of it from any of the others. Hastur, Beelzebub...None of them have shown anything but a real capacity for inflicting. But sometimes…”

“Sometimes...what?”

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s not possible for a demon to love. I mean, I didn’t think an angel was capable of real love either.”

“What?” she raised her eyebrows. “We’re beings of pure love!”

She rolled her eyes. “Right, that’s the propaganda. I’m not talking about love in the grand scheme of things - not like the capacity for mercy and benevolence. I’m talking about on a personal level. Loving something completely. The way the humans do.”

Aziraphale hadn’t thought of it this way. “In that capacity...Well, we’ve always-”

“Thought yourself above such petty and trivial feelings?”

“In a nutshell…”

“Sometimes I think, though, that maybe I am. Capable, I mean. Sometimes I’m listening to a really amazing piece of music and...I just almost feel something. And then sometimes I think that I do.”

Aziraphale nodded. “I know what you mean. Sometimes when I’m reading a really good book, it just...it almost makes everything else alright, you know?”

“Suppose that’s what love is?”

“Suppose it must be, in its own way.”

Crowley laughed and leaned her head back against the seat. “Think we’re letting the humans infect us, angel…”

...  
The year was 1958, and Aziraphale was minding her own business when a motorcycle roared to a stop before her.

“Hop on, doll,” Crowley said to her, patting the seat just behind her leather-clad legs.

Aziraphale laughed. “Why would I do that?”

“Because it’s fun,” Crowley replied. “And because this baby’s got a fair amount of horsepower. Now come on!” She held out a hand, which Aziraphale took as she clambered on behind her. “Put your arms around me.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re about go fast and I don’t want you falling off!”

Aziraphale obliged and put her arms around her waist as they roared off.

“How did you know I’d be in London?” Aziraphale asked, when they stopped to refuel.

“I didn’t,” Crowley replied. “Happy accident. Fancy a bite, A.Z.?”

They got lunch at a little place and then went for a walk. They retired back to Crowley’s flat, where they had drinks. Crowley seemed a bit more serious and reserved than usual, and this made Aziraphale nervous.

“Everything alright, my dear?”

“I need a favor.”

“Ah. There it is. We already have an Arrangement, Crowley. What more could you want?”

“This is for something else, in case it all goes wrong. Think of it like insurance.”

“What?”

“Shh…” She handed her a slip of paper. “I wrote it down. In case we’re being listened to.”

Aziraphale glanced down at the sheet and felt a chill as her stomach seemed to drop. “No. Absolutely not! Out of the question!”

“Why not?”

“It would destroy you. I’m not bringing you a suicide pill, Crowley.”

“That’s not what I want it for.”

“It’s far too dangerous. Completely out of the question.”

“Why? You worried about me, angel?”

“Yes, I’m worried about you! Of course I’m worried about you! If you could even think about doing this, Crowley, I’m very worried indeed!’

“Oh come on now, angel…” Crowley said, trying to lighten the mood and persuade in one fell swoop. She reached up to tenderly brush the backs of her fingers against the angel’s cheeks, watching as they reddened at the touch. “You can help a girl out, I know you can.”

She expected the angel to linger a moment before pulling away, just like she normally did, so she was surprised when the angel reached up to grip the offending hand with both of hers, pressing it closer to her cheek.

“I can’t do that…” Aziraphale whispered, shaking her head. “I can’t…”

The demon sighed, pulling away. “I know. You’re too good for that, I guess. In the grand scheme of things, what does one demon’s life matter?”

“It matters a great deal, which is why I won’t do it.”

“What does that even mean, A.Z.?”

“It means…” Aziraphale was suddenly at a loss for words. “It means...Oh I don’t know what it means. Just that it means a great deal to me. You mean a great deal to me.”

“Aziraphale-”

And suddenly, much to their surprise, Aziraphale was kissing her. She kissed her hard, as if her very life depended on making a physical impression upon her.

Crowley drew away, eyes wide. “Zira, what-”

“I don’t know,” Aziraphale gasped, shocked at herself. She moved slowly towards her again, as if drawn by an invisible magnet.

“Zira-”

But she couldn’t get out whatever that thought was, because Aziraphale was kissing her again. This time softer, more exploratory. She pressed a hand to Crowley’s waist, holding her closer. Crowley sank into the embrace, kissing her harder. Aziraphale felt as if an electric shock was going through her, and pushed Crowley back into the wall as she kissed her with an intensity that she hadn’t known she possessed.

Crowley came up for air as Aziraphale began kissing her neck. “Zira, you could get in trouble for this…”

“Lord I hope so,” Aziraphale whispered. “Just...damn it all, Crowley. Damn it all, and _stop talking_.”

…

“Well that was... _enlightening_ ,” Crowley said the next morning, smirking up at her ceiling. “It really was. Almost think I understand the word _ineffable_ now. Who knew you had that in you?”

Aziraphale felt frozen in the light of day. She stared up at the same ceiling as Crowley, only realizing that perhaps she’d done the wrong thing. She got up and began putting her clothes on.

Crowley turned over on her side and propped herself up with an elbow. “Where are you going?”

“Anywhere,” Aziraphale said. “As far away from here as possible. This was...a huge mistake.”

“Hey you started it, A.Z.” Crowley pointed out. “And each time I thought it was over, you started it again. But fine. Do you want a formal invitation this time? I can start it this time if you want. Can do that thing with my tongue again. The thing you called weird.”

“There will be no this time,” she snapped.

“Of course there will,” Crowley replied, turning back over and closing her eyes. “Because you like me.”

“I do not like-”

“You do, and you just proved it. Over and over again.”

“I can’t do this. It’s a sin.”

“So we’ll sin. And sin again. And live in sin. You know people wouldn’t do this sinning stuff if they didn’t like it? It’s part of that whole Earthly pleasures thing.”

“I know what you’re up to, and it won’t work.”

“What am I up to, angel?”

“Lying there being all tempting…”

She smirked. “Oh I’m tempting, am I?”

“Shut up. You’re trying to make me fall from grace, and I won’t have it.”

She laughed and sat up. “Wow, bit dramatic, don’t you think? Fall from grace? Can you talk like a person, A.Z.?”

“I’m not falling for it, Crowley,” Aziraphale snapped, turning and heading for the door. Her hand was almost on the doorknob when Crowley spoke again.

“If this wasn’t God’s ineffable plan, she would’ve smited us by now. Do you feel smited?”

Aziraphale hovered for a moment, her mind racing faster than the speed of light. But finally she gave in. “Damn it, Crowley…” She turned and threw herself back on the bed, taking Crowley's face in her hands and kissing the demon once more.

…

A decade passed in this manner. Aziraphale would run into Crowley somewhere, and they’d try to stay away but Crowley would always get her back into bed. Then they’d part again and pretend it was the last time...but it never was.

Aziraphale met Crowley in a little bar she suggested.

“Why would you ask me here?” Aziraphale asked, disapprovingly. She sat down on the stool beside her.

“You don’t like it?” Crowley teased.

“I just have trouble understanding why you’d invite me to such a hotbed of sin.”

Crowley smiled slowly and leaned forward, placing a hand on Aziraphale’s thigh. “Then let’s get out of here. Go back to my _hotbed of sin_. I know you like that one better.”

Aziraphale swallowed hard. “Don’t do that.”

She blinked, innocently. “Don’t do what?”

“Don’t...try to tempt me, demon. Your tricks won’t work this time. You won’t make me sin again.”

“ _Make_ you sin?” she raised her eyebrows. “I can’t _make_ you do anything. I’ve told you before, temptation isn’t mind control. Temptation only works if it’s something you already _want_ to do.” She smirked. “Or _someone_.”

“I don’t have time for this,” Aziraphale said. She decided to put a stop to this once and for all, and got up to leave.

Crowley spoke to her back. “If you didn’t want me, then why did you come here?” Aziraphale turned back to see that she was looking at her like a sort of challenge. “No really, I’d love to know how you justify this to yourself. You knew what this was, and yet you came anyway. Why?”

Aziraphale shook her head, frustrated. “Damn it, Crowley…” She kissed the demon, unable to care if anyone was watching.

…

“Alright, okay?” Crowley admitted as they were lying in bed afterwards. “I admit it. I am trying to get you to fall. But not from grace. Not _from_ anything, actually. I mean, haven’t you figured this out yet? This has nothing to do with the cosmic plan. I’m not trying to make a fallen angel out of you. Not unless that means you’ve fallen for...something else. Something that’s...not really worth it.”

“Fallen for what, exactly? One of your demonic tricks?”

“No, you absolute moron. For me.”

Aziraphale’s heart began beating quite rapidly, which was strange because technically she didn’t need to have a heartbeat.

“What does that mean?” she demanded.

Crowley laughed. “I dunno...That I’m terrified, mostly.”

She scoffed. “But you’re a demon. You’re not terrified of anything.”

“I’m terrified that if anyone found out what we’re doing that...that they’d take you away. My best friend. So I have to protect us, A.Z, my alpha and omega, my beginning and end. I need that holy water.”

Aziraphale suddenly remembered the world. “You must take me for some kind of fool.”

“Oh this again-” Crowley recognized their familiar pattern.

“No not this again!” Aziraphale said, getting up and getting dressed. “My God, I’ve been such an idiot! I can’t believe I almost fell for this! You’re just using me! Of course you are, you’re a demon! It’s what you do!”

Crowley recognized that this fight was different. “Zira, what-”

“Don’t ‘Zira, what’ me! You know perfectly well!”

“Aziraphale...What’s going on?”

“Do you even know what kind of trouble I’d be in if they knew I’d been fraternizing?” she snapped. “This is completely out of the question.”

Crowley sat up, suddenly angry. “Fraternizing?”

“Well, whatever you wish to call it!” she threw her hands up in the air. “I do not think there is any point to discussing it further!”

She got to her feet as well. “I have lots of other people to fraternize with, Angel,” she said in a low voice. “Don’t go thinking you’re special.”

“Of course you do,” she snapped. “I mean, it was silly to think for even just a moment...I mean, you’re a demon. You’re not capable of loving anything.”

“You don’t know that. Just because you’re too high and mighty to admit you might have feelings doesn’t mean we’re all the same way. I mean, hell, Aziraphale! It’s been going on like this for ages now and you’ve not put a stop to it! Not really! That means you _are_ getting something out of this! What is this? Your little flirtation with sin and then you’ll go back and beg forgiveness and drop me? Pretend this meant nothing to you? Because I can see right through you, don’t think I don’t-”

“This was a mistake. I don’t even know why I did this. Partaking in sins of the flesh-”

“Sins of the flesh?” she laughed, derisively. “Oh come on, Aziraphale, don’t be so Biblical.”

“We _are_ Biblical, Crowley!”

“I’ve _known_ you Biblically, you mean.”

“Well that stops now! It was a mistake!”

“You’ve never been more right about anything in your life! I wish I’d never asked Eve to eat that apple so I could have an excuse to talk to you!”

And there it was, the truth suddenly out. They both realized what she’d said.

“You did...what?” Aziraphale asked.

“You always knew, you must’ve. I mean all that talk about how it’s my fault, all this temptation of Eve business…”

“But you're saying you did it for an excuse to talk to me? No." She shook her head frantically. "No no no. That’s not right. You did this because it was the Satantic plan.”

“I didn’t have any firm orders on the subject,” she admitted. “I was just told to cause chaos.”

“Well you did,” Aziraphale snapped. “God, what was I even thinking? Actually, what were _you_ thinking? What did you offer her?”

“Nothing. Just asked her if she would, is all. Told her God probably wouldn’t punish her much.”

“You knew she would! You knew with absolute certainty, because you’re proof of God’s wrath! And yet you did that anyway?”

“Hey this isn’t about you! I don’t need you. All that stuff before, it was all talk. Like you said. I’m a demon.”

“And I’m an angel.”

“Obviously. So why don’t you just get the hell out, then?”

“That’s what I’m doing.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

…

The two met again in 1967.

“How is it possible that you’re wearing even more leather this time than the last time I saw you?” the angel asked, by way of greeting.

The demon looked cautiously at the angel. “Probably because, as I recall, I wasn’t wearing anything at all last time you saw me.”

The angel came dangerously close to blushing, but pushed the impulse back.

“What are you doing here?” Crowley asked.

“I needed a word with you. I hear that you’re setting up a caper to rob a church. Crowley, it’s too dangerous. Holy water won’t just kill your body, it will destroy you completely.”

“You told me what you think a decade ago.”

“And I haven’t changed my mind. But I can’t have you risking your life, Especially for something so dangerous. So you can call off the robbery.” She reached in her pocket and procured a small bottle which she handed to her. “Be careful with that. Please.”

“It’s the real thing?” Crowley was astonished.

“The holiest.”

“After everything you said. Should I say thank you?”

“Better not.”

“Well can I drop you anywhere? Or...or we could go back to my place?” For once it wasn’t flirtation, but a tiny nervous bit of hope. “Have a drink? Perhaps one day we can go for a picnic. Dine at the Ritz. I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.”

“I don’t think so,” she said, sadly. She wondered why this was so painful. “You go too fast for me, Crowley.”

…

The two of them hardly met again for the next 4 decades. This was rather a shame, really - they would’ve got on quite well in the 80s.

Round about 1985, they quite literally ran into each other in New York City. They were both in the middle of different jobs, so they quickly said a hasty goodbye to each other to continue attending to business. This led Crowley to be getting a drink at the bar across the street from the coffee shop where Aziraphale was working.

"Who was that?" Crowley's current temptation job asked her.

"Who?"

"The woman from before? From the looks of it, I'd say she was your ex."

Crowley felt a familiar pang where her heart should be. "Not really my ex, not really. Sort of. But not really."

The girl nodded, knowingly. "So what's she like?"

"Who? Aziraphale? She's..."

Nearby, Aziraphale was having much the same conversation with her current miracle.

"Who? Crowley? She's..."

"An angel, really," Crowley said, unable to keep a tiny trace of bitterness out of her voice.

"Pretty much hell incarnate, if I'm being honest," Aziraphale was saying at the same time.

"Really straight-laced and uptight and just a complete bundle of nerves all the time."

"Always bending the rules, playing life recklessly with no regard for safety, never thinks things through..."

"Too good for someone like me."

"Has incredibly low self-esteem, even though she pretends she doesn't. Think that's childhood trauma. She doesn't get on with her mother. They're sort of estranged."

"And I don't say that because she thinks she's superior - because she does think that - but because it's a fact."

They said this at the same time. "She's maddening, a tiny bit daft, drives me up the wall sometimes, but..."

"Crowley is like a book that you just can't put down."

"Aziraphale is...like a song that you just can't get out of your head, no matter how hard you try."

"And she's very unusually warm," Aziraphale admitted. "Just like...all the time. Temperature-wise. Unusually warm."

Crowley's temptation job nodded at her. "So...did you want to get some oysters? My treat?"

Crowley shook her head. "No. Never touch the stuff. I heard that oysters were a natural aphrodisiac! Even the Romans knew that."

...

But a certain night came, and Crowley found herself in a panic and the only person she could think to talk to about it was Aziraphale.

“Call Aziraphale,” she said to her phone. She initially had trouble getting through, but finally it connected.

“I’m afraid we’re quite definitely closed,” came Aziraphale’s voice when she finally answered.

“Aziraphale, it’s me,” Crowley said. “We need to talk.”

“Yes,” Aziraphale wasn’t even remotely surprised to be receiving this call. “Yes I rather think we do.”

…

They met in the park.

“We will win, you know,” Aziraphale said. “It’s inevitable.”

Crowley scoffed. “Well let’s hope not.”

“Of course you’d say that, you’re a demon. You’d be on the losing side.”

“It’s not that. It would just be frightfully boring for you if you won.”

“Why’s that?”

“How many first rate composers have you got in heaven? And not just the classical stuff - humanity has come up with some top notch performers in the last century. Imagine an eternity without punk rock or disco or anything fun. Have fun losing everything about this world that you’ve come to love.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” she cast about for something that wasn’t horribly sentimental and wouldn’t send them into an argument. “Like gravlax in dill sauce. Lovely little restaurants where they know you. No more old bookshops.”

“How long have we got?” Aziraphale asked, suddenly nostalgic.

“11 years. Then it’s all over.”

“So this is what? You trying to save me again? Ride off on a horse into the sunset?”

“This is the apocalypse,” Crowley mused. “They killed the horses.”

“What?” Aziraphale asked, alarmed.

“Nothing...it’s from a song...anyway..We have to work together.”

She took a deep breath. “No.”

“It’s the end of the world we’re talking about,” she insisted. “Not some little temptation I’ve asked you to cover for me while you’re up in Edinburgh for the festival. You can’t say no.”

“No,” she said, stubbornly as ever.

Crowley was put out. “Fine. You don’t have to help me, I only thought...But alright. Why don’t we have a drink?”

“Absolutely not. I’ve told you, I’m not interested. I’m not helping you.”

“This is purely social. One drink?”

“Why would I agree to that?”

“For old times sake. In case...there aren’t any new times.”

And suddenly Aziraphale felt extraordinarily sad, and she could tell Crowley did as well. “Alright. One drink. That’s all.”

…

One drink turned into 6 hours of drinks, and the two of them got into one of their old debates except with a new twist.

“I mean, think of it, angel. No more of the best musicals! You’ll lose Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Sweeney Todd-”

“We’ll have the Sound of Music.”

“Exactly my point!” Crowley slurred. “Imagine watching that over and over for all eternity! Just imagine all that you’ll be losing!”

Aziraphale suddenly noticed how close they were sitting. “I am.”

There was a moment when they looked at each other uncertainty, the collective weight of their past settling on them as it felt almost like old times.

“I can’t cope with this when I’m drunk,” Crowley said, getting to her feet.

“Yeah, I need to sober up,” Aziraphale said, glad of the distraction. She paced to the far side of the room. “Even if I wanted to help, I couldn’t. I can’t interfere with the divine plan.”

“Well what about diabolical plans?” Crowley asked. “You can’t be certain thwarting me isn’t part of the divine plan. The antichrist has been born. It’s the upbringing that will matter. The evil influences, that’s going to be all me. It’d be too bad if someone made sure that I failed.”

“Well if you put it that way...Heaven could hardly object.”

“We could do a Mary Poppins thing. Think of it like being mystical godmothers. We do it right, he won’t be evil.”

“Or good.”

“He’ll just be normal.”

“The two of us...with a kid,” Aziraphale mused, with the ghost of a smile. “I’ll be damned.”

“It’s not that bad when you get used to it,” Crowley smiled.

…

The two of them came on - Crowley as the nanny and Aziraphale as the gardener. The pair kept their distance at first, letting each get up to their own antics with the child. But as the child came close to being a year old, the two found themselves at night meeting up for a drink. Which would turn into 5. Or 10.

One rainy night, Crowley snuck down to the garden house.

“Oh for heaven’s sake!” Aziraphale jumped. “Nearly scared me half to death!”

“Sorry,” Crowley said. “I was just bored. Very little to do when everyone’s asleep.”

“So you fancied a drink? I was just putting tea on, but I could get something stronger. Truth be told, I’d be glad of the company.”

“Hey A.Z.?” she asked, after a moment’s silence. “Can I ask you, because I still don’t really understand...where this all went wrong?”

“Where what went wrong?”

“This. Everything. Us.”

“Us? Was there an us?”

“You know what I mean.”

She considered this. “I expect it was always wrong,” she said as she busied herself with the tea. “It was. We were bad for each other, Crowley. I mean you...You tempted Eve. Just to have a conversation piece, I mean...You do understand the position that puts me in? The position it always put me in, I suppose, but...I could always tell myself there was some good in you. Finding that out felt...worse. Because this wasn't just fraternizing anymore. This was knowing that I was somehow tangentially responsible for...” She waved a hand around, indicating the world they lived in. "All of this. You might've done the actual deed, but you did it for me. Which puts me in rather a tight spot morally."

This stung, like she knew it would. She wasn’t sure what else she should’ve expected her to say. “I understand, Aziraphale, I do...Maybe you’re right about that, and we shouldn’t be...friends. But at the same time...the world is ending soon. And as hard as it is for me to admit...I feel like we’ve wasted too much time not being in each other’s lives. I don’t care what form our relationship comes in...I just want you in my life. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be with at the end. I understand if you think it’s selfish.”

Aziraphale turned back to face her. “I’ve missed you too. But God knows that’s selfish.”

And suddenly, for the first time in several decades, Crowley kissed her. This action started a chain reaction of the two sneaking away and making excuses to meet up, just like old times. Except it was harder, because they were meant to be these two characters and had so many other people around all the time.

“This is the last time,” Aziraphale would say.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh, right, definitely…” was the closest thing to a reply that she’d get.

…

“The hell hound will be here Wednesday,” Crowley said one night, with a heavy heart.

“There must be some way of stopping it,” Aziraphale asked, resting her head on her companion’s chest.

“If there was no boy…” Crowley said slowly. “The process would stop.”

“But there is a boy.”

“That could change. Something could happen to him. I’m just saying...you could kill him.”

“I couldn’t kill a child. Why couldn’t you do it?”

“Because home office would have my head. Literally.”

“Maybe we just need to get rid of the dog. I could entertain.”

“Oh no no no,” Crowley said, sitting up. “Please, don’t do your magic act. Please I’m actually begging you. You’ve no idea how demeaning that is.”

Aziraphale laughed and made a coin appear from Crowley’s ear. “Now where did that come from?”

“In your pocket,” she nodded her head at a discarded pair of trousers on the bed near to them.

“It was close to your ear.”

“It was never near my ear.”

She pouted. “You’re no fun.”

“Fun? An angel is lecturing me about fun? That isn’t fun, it’s...humiliating. You can do proper magic. You can make things disappear!”

“But that’s no fun. It’s too easy.”

“Make you disappear,” Crowley grumbled.

She grinned suddenly. “Alright then. You wanna have fun? See real magic?”

“What did you have in-”

But before she could finish the thought, a giggling Aziraphale had kissed her and pressed her back onto the bed.

…

“It’s really time to get serious now, isn’t it?” Aziraphale asked, lying there after.

“Yeah. I suspect it is.” Crowley stared at the ceiling. “It’s been fun...but that was it, wasn’t it? The real last time.”

“Yeah. I suspect it is....I don’t want to fight you, Crowey.”

“Who said anything about fighting?” she sat up to look at her.

“We all did. That’s the point of this. We’re on opposite sides and...no matter what happens, I don’t want to fight you. I couldn’t.”

“I don’t want to fight you either, Zira.”

Aziraphale just nodded, sadly. “But this is it. The end of everything. We’ve got to make a choice. And I know what yours is. It’s time we stopped doing this to ourselves. We can still work together but...Anything else would be a distraction. And we shouldn’t kid ourselves.”

Aziraphale wondered why hearing that hurt so much. “You know, sometimes...I just wonder. Whether I can still get forgiveness.”

"Of course you can. God-"

"I don't mean from her. She's not the one I want forgiveness from."

Aziraphale just considered this. "Best not to dwell, Crowley. We have more pressing matters at hand."

...

 

“Armageddon is days away, and we've lost the Antichrist. Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway?”

Aziraphale was sitting next to her in Crowley’s Bentley. “Well, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure it's because of all those memos you kept sending them, saying how amazingly well you were doing.”

“Is it my fault they never check-up? I'm to blame they never check-up? Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office. You know that.”

“Yes, but you told them you invented the Spanish Inquisition and started the Second World War.”

“So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault.” She began sniffing suddenly. “Something's changed.”

Oh, it's a new perfume,” Aziraphale said. “You like it?”

“Not you. I know what you smell like.” She sat upright. “The Hell Hound has found its master.”

“Are you sure?”

“I felt it. Would I lie to you?”

“Well, obviously. You're a demon. That's what you do.”

…

“Crowley, you can’t do 90 miles per hour in central London!”

“Why not?”

“You’ll get us killed! Or at least inconveniently discorporated!”

“Music!” Aziraphale said, knowing this calmed her. “Why don’t I put on a little music?” She rooted around in the glove compartment for a CD. “What’s a...Pretty Reckless?”

“You wouldn’t like it,” she said, dismissively.

“Oh. Bebop.”

Crowley found herself torn between being irritated and being amused by the comment. “Come on, hand it over. Start with track one. You’ll like that one.”

Aziraphale put in the CD, but the music that came out wasn’t the Pretty Reckless.

“Damn it,” Crowley swore. “Accidentally left it in the car. Always forget about that.”

“What?” Aziraphale asked.

“Any time I leave a CD in this car for longer than a fortnight, it turns into a Best of Queen CD. Which in itself isn’t that bad, but you lose all the good music that came before…I wanted to listen to ‘Follow Me Down’, but this’ll do.”

They rode off into the night as Queen played their classic song “The Night Comes Down”.

…

“This place…” Aziraphale said, looking around. “It feels loved.”

Crowley made a face. “What?”

“Like the opposite of when you say ‘I don’t like this place, it feels spooky.’”

“I don’t ever say that. I like spooky.”

They were both accosted by some people playing paintball, and Aziraphale began to fret over the state of her lovely white coat.

“I’ve kept this in tip-top condition for almost 200 years and I’ll never get the stain out!”

Crowley found this incredibly endearing. “You could just...miracle the stain away?”

“Yes, but I would always know the stain was there. Underneath.”

The demon just smiled and miracled it away herself.

“Oh,” Aziraphale smiled. “Thank you.”

They both looked at each other for a moment, and it was almost as if there was nothing to worry about. But then Aziraphale caught herself and turned away, and Crowley heaved another sigh of frustration. Of course there was plenty to worry about.

They went further into the place, trying to avoid being hit by any more paintballs.

“You’re all going to lose,” Crowley said to one of the passing fighters.

Aziraphale looked up sharply, recognizing that tone. “What the hell did you do?”

“They wanted real guns, so I gave them what they wanted.”

“There are people out there shooting each other!”

“Well it lends weight to their moral argument. Everyone has free will, including the right to murder.”

Aziraphale was horrified. “They’re murdering each other!”

“No they aren’t. No one’s killing anyone. They’re all having miraculous escapes. Wouldn’t be any fun otherwise.”

Aziraphale slowly smiled knowingly. “You know, Crowley, I’ve always said that deep down, you really are quite a nice-”

But Crowley cut her off before she could finish that sentence, pinning her against the wall and not in the fun way they usually did. This time she was angry. “Shut it! I’m a demon! I’m not nice! I’m never nice!”

Aziraphale kissed her in the heat of the moment. “You are to me.”

The two of them just looked at each other, then were interrupted. They both independently decided to pretend that nothing had happened.

…

“It’s the great plan, Crowley.”

“Yeah, for the record, great pustulent mangled bollocks to the great blasted plan!” Crowley was losing her temper.

“May you be forgiven,” Aziraphale said, sincerely.

This only incensed her further. “I won’t be forgiven. Not ever. It’s not in the demon’s job description. Unforgivable, that’s what I am. You’ve said as much yourself, and if you can’t ever…” She realized she’d said to much and stopped talking.

“You were an angel once.”

“That was a long time ago.”

So they had the argument again. Crowley advocating for Aziraphale killing the antichrist, and Aziraphale holding out. She had noticed Crowley’s slip up. But she had made the conscious decision not to mention it.

“This is ridiculous,” Crowley said, finally. “You’re ridiculous, I don’t even know why I’m still talking to you.”

“Well, frankly, neither do I,” Aziraphale shot back.

“Enough, I’m leaving.” So she turned to go.

“You can’t leave, Crowley,” Aziraphale said, desperately. “There isn’t anywhere to go!”

“It’s a big universe! Even if this all ends up in a puddle of molten goo we can...Go off together!”

Aziraphale’s heart jumped at those words, but it was almost too painful to think about. It was a ridiculous idea. Impossible. “Go off together? Listen to yourself.”

“How long have we been friends?” Crowley asked. “6000 years!”

“Friends? We’re not friends! I don’t know what we are, but...We’re not. We are an angel, and a demon. We have nothing whatsoever in common! I don’t even like you!”

“You do! You’re just scared to admit it! You're the one who keeps kissing me-”

“A momentary distraction, that was all! Even if I did know where the antichrist was, I wouldn’t tell you! We’re on opposite sides!”

“We’re on the same side! We’re on our side!”

“There is no our side! Not anymore! It’s over!”

“Right,” she was hurt, but not surprised. It always came to this. “Typical. Was wondering when you’d get back around to this again. “Well then. Have a nice doomsday.”

 

...

The demon drove round at breakneck speed looking for her friend and screeched to a stop just outside of Aziraphale’s bookshop, where she spotted her.

She jumped out of the Bently and began talking frantically. “Angel, I’m sorry! Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it! Just get in the car!”

“What?” Aziraphale asked. “No!”

“The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault!” she said, urgently. “But we can run away together! Alpha Centauri! Lots of spare planets there! Nobody would even notice us!”

“Crowley, you’re being ridiculous.”

She groaned in frustration. “Aziraphale, A.Z,, Zira, Angel, sweetheart, don’t you get it? This is what I’ve been afraid of this whole time! It’s happening. And we’ve gotta run. Remember what we said, about sticking together until the end of the world? Well that time is now.”

“I’ll just have a little word with the Almighty, and she’ll fix it-”

“That won’t happen! You’re so clever! How can someone as clever as you be so stupid?”

Aziraphale just looked at her sadly for a moment. “I forgive you.”

Crowley decided this was a lost cause, and began making her way back to her car. “I'm going home, Angel. I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you!” She slammed the door behind her and sped away.

...

Normally Crowley didn’t mind that all her tapes inevitably turned to Queen. She actually quite liked Queen, if she was being honest. But when she popped in an old Garbage record from the 90s and turned to the first track (Temptation Waits) and it had turned to “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen...she couldn’t help but feel like she was being mocked. Taunted. Some being on high was simply getting off on torturing her! Here she was, barreling down the road in her Bentley, trying to not let her panic get the best of her by putting on a soothing song from the latter half of the last century, when it turned to a song that seemed hell-bent on making her more riddled with anxiety about Aziraphale.

She screeched to a stop outside the bookshop, wondering why her heart had to pound so hard - after all, it wasn’t like her heart needed to beat at all. But the panic at seeing Aziraphale’s shop up in flames was like nothing she’d ever experienced in her very long life.

“Aziraphale!” she screamed, once she’d made it inside. “Aziraphale! Where the heaven are you, you idiot? I’ll find you! Zira, for God’s - for Satan’s - for _my_ sake, where are you?” She was blown backwards by the force of the flames, and collapsed to the floor. She found herself...well this couldn’t be crying. She didn’t cry. “You’ve gone.” Her voice broke before she screamed again in agony. “Somebody killed my best friend! You bastards! All of you!”

…

Well that was it. The world was ending, her best friend was gone, and she was experiencing...was this grief? She didn’t like this, whatever it was. She’d felt similar pains being separated from Aziraphale before, but...at least in those cases she’d had a chance to win her back. Zira always came back, eventually. But this time...no, it was the end of the world. The end of the world, without Zira.

“See you’ve decided to do what you do best,” a voice said to her. “Gone on a bender, I see?”

Crowley lifted her head from the table and looked over the copious shot glasses at what appeared to be the ghost of her fallen friend.

“Zira?” she asked. “Is that you? Are you really here?”

“I don’t know. Never done this before. Can you hear me?”

“Of course I can hear you. Wait, going on a bender is what I do best?” she asked, pretending to be insulted. “Don’t I have other skills?”

Aziraphale smiled and chuckled. “Suppose you have a few. That weird thing you do with your tongue comes to mind.” They both laughed before Aziraphale got serious again. “I’m afraid I rather made a mess of things. Did you go to Alpha Centauri?”

“Nah, changed my mind,” she was trying hard not to cry. “Stuff happened. I lost my best friend.” This was the scariest thing she’d ever said out loud, but she decided to risk the momentary vulnerability.

Aziraphale found herself oddly touched by this, but couldn’t allow herself to think of that now. “I’m so sorry to hear it. Listen, at my bookshop, there’s a book I need you to get.”

“Oh listen,” Crowley said, wondering how to break this to her. “Your bookshop isn’t there anymore. It burned down, I’m sorry.”

“All of it?” she asked. She was rather fond of that bookshop. It was home. And not just that...there were so many memories. So many times when Crowley had popped by for an afternoon just to irritate her in front of the customers while she pretended she didn’t like being bothered…

“Yeah,” Crowley said. “What was the book?”

“The one the nice lady on the bicycle left behind. The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of-”

“Agnes Nutter!” Crowley said, triumphantly holding it out. “Yes, I took it!”

“You have it?” Aziraphale felt rather like crying too. “Crowley, I could kiss you!”

Crowley just looked at her sadly. “No you couldn’t. Not anymore. Maybe you should never have. Wouldn’t’ve ended up...like this.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Aziraphale pointed out. “Probably won’t even be permanent! Look on the bright side! We always figure something out! Come to some sort of arrangement!”

Crowley nodded. “Yeah...Yeah we do, don’t we? Where are you? Wherever you are, I’ll come to you.”

“I’m not really anywhere yet. I’ve been discorporated. Listen, you’ve got to get to Tadfield Air Base.”

“Why?”

“The end of the world, it’s happening there. I’ll join you as soon as I can. I just need to find a receptive body first.”

“You can always have mine, Angel,” the demon teased.

Aziraphale smiled. “That’s my Crowley. Pity I can’t inhabit yours, isn’t it?”

Aziraphale disappeared, leaving Crowley reeling from what she just said.

…

The most wonderful thing had happened - Aziraphale had been returned to corporeal form and the world had been saved. When anyone asked the two of them later, they’d swear they had a great deal to do with the saving of creation. It’s good to let them believe that.

“You!” a woman walked up to them. “You stole my book!”

“Book girl!” Crowley exclaimed. “Catch!” She threw it to her.

“What is going on out here?” Anathema Device asked.

“Long story, no time.”

“Try me.”

Aziraphale took it from there. “Okay, so, uh in the beginning, in the Garden, there was Well, she was a wily old serpent, and I was technically on apple tree duty…” And it was plain for everyone to see, just in the general way her eyes lit up when talking about this, that Aziraphale was very much in love.

Crowley placed a hand to her lips and hushed her, fighting back a smile of her own.

…

“Who would’ve thought it?”

Crowley and Aziraphale turned around to see Anathema standing behind them, smirking. The dust had settled, everyone else had gone home, and she told Newt to wait in the car.

“Who would’ve thought...what, madam?” Aziraphale asked.

“All of this, and through it all...The only thing that was strong enough to get you to fight through and not give up was this one telling you she’d never speak to you again.”

“Well, Aziraphale isn’t one for idle threats,” Crowley said. “Plus...this one was true. If there wasn’t to be a world anymore...there’d never be a chance to make it up to her. Had to try something.”

Anathema nodded in a knowing sort of way. “So listen. Agnes had a particular prophecy, one she left out of the book. I was prepared all my life to deliver it in the case of averting armageddon, but I never really understood what it meant. Still don’t. But I think it pertains to the two of you.”

Aziraphale blinked. “What is it?”

Anathema walked closer, looking first at Crowley. “To the demon with the soft heart...Belief is stronger than fact. It’d be wise to stop blaming the oysters.”

Crowley looked at her with a sudden comprehension.

Then she turned to Aziraphale. “And to the falling angel...Demons are not so unusually hot to the touch. If her touch warms you, it’s because you like her. You’d be wise to waste no more time.”

“I…” Aziraphale spluttered, trying to regain her composure.

“I’ll just…” Anathema said. “Leave you two to it.”

…

They decided again without consulting each other, not to talk of this particular prophecy. They talked instead of what was to come, and the final prophecy that encouraged them to choose their faces wisely.

“I suppose I should get them to drop me off at the bookshop,” Aziraphale said, as the bus came closer.

Crowley looked at her with a sudden tenderness, though she hoped that was well hidden beneath the sunglasses she was wearing. “It burned down, remember? You can stay at my place, if you like.”

“I don’t think my side would like that.”

“You don’t have a side anymore.”

Aziraphale thought about this. “Now I don’t know if I’d say that. Maybe I’m on your side. Always have been.”

“And I’m on yours,” the demon replied.

Who could say which of them reached for the other, but they suddenly found themselves holding hands.

…

The two of them made their way back to Crowley’s place, but kept a bit of distance between them.

“I expect they’ll be coming after us soon,” Aziraphale said.

“I expect they will,” was the angel’s reply. They stood looking at each other for a moment, the space between them seeming endless. “Did you...want to turn on some music? I know you like doing that.”

“Sure, yeah,” was Crowley’s awkward reply. “You know what? I always pick. Why don’t you go have a look through my collection and pick something you think sounds nice.”

Aziraphale rooted through the collection and near the bottom of the stack found something that gave her pause. “The Jesus and Mary Chain?”

“You wouldn’t like that.”

“But it sounds lovely.”

“Angel, yes, I hide that at the bottom of the pile so my former colleagues don’t think I’m switching sides, but that’s only because the title gives the entirely wrong impression. But fine, if you want to, you can go for it.”

The angel loaded the vinyl into the record player, and a lovely little song came on.

“Oh,” Crowley breathed, realizing which one it was.

“This doesn’t sound so bad, not so far,” the angel said, obliviously.

_“Walking back to you_   
_Is the hardest thing that_   
_I can do_   
_That I can do for you_   
_For you_   
_I'll be your plastic toy_   
_I'll be your plastic toy_   
_For you.”_

The two of them just looked at each other for a moment.

“Can I ask you a question?” Aziraphale asked, finally.

“I’d encourage it.”

“What did that prophecy mean? Not the last one...the one Anathema gave you.”

“Oh,” the demon was embarrassed. “You don’t want to know about that.”

“No I do!” she insisted.

“It’s really rather boring-”

“Crowley-”

“Alright, I sort of...I don’t eat oysters.”

“What do you mean? Of course you eat oysters, you love oysters.”

“I do. But I haven’t eaten them since that night. I sort of...Well, I may have started a rumor that oysters are an aphrodisiac.”

The angel laughed. “You what? Aphrodisiacs aren’t real, Crowley.”

“Yeah, well, it was the only rational explanation I could think of at the time!” She crossed her arms and glared at the laughing angel. “And what about you? What was your prophecy about?”

The smile was wiped off her face. “Nothing. A load of nonsense.”

“Oh come on, angel, you’ve gotta tell me! Fair is fair!”

“No, but really-”

“Aziraphale-”

“I think Agnes Nutter is saying that I, well, that I think you’re hot,” she blurted out. “And well you are. Quite literally. Your demonic powers make you incredibly warm to the touch.”

Crowley smirked. “Oh now I get it. See, demons aren’t actually much hotter generally, if they’ve been out of hell a while. Temperature-wise, I mean. That’s what Agnes was telling you.”

“I know that,” the angel snapped, not quite looking at her. “But it was the only rational explanation I could think of at the time.”

Crowley just looked at her. “Well how is it, then?”

“How is what?”

“How is it, now that you’ve fallen from grace? I’m sorry about that, it’s not what I wanted.”

Aziraphale looked at her with extraordinary compassion. “I haven’t fallen _from_ anything. You, my dear, may have vaguely sauntered downward without really giving it much thought, but I gave this thought. I chose to leave. If I have fallen, I haven’t fallen from anything. But I have fallen _for_ something. For _someone_. And I’d make the same choice again. Because you’re the only thing worth falling for, Crowley.”

The demon looked at her, trying not to get emotional. “I love you too, Aziraphale.”

At the moment they kissed, the record player suddenly changed. This was the first time the record player had ever behaved like the car radio, but suddenly it was playing a Freddie Mercury vinyl. 

_"Love me like there's no tomorrow_   
_Hold me in your arms, tell me you mean it_   
_This is our last goodbye and very soon it will be over_   
_But today just love me like there's no tomorrow."_

…

They awoke the next morning, and for the first time there wasn’t any doubt in Aziraphale’s mind.

“Is this the part where you tell me you’ve made a huge mistake?” Crowley asked, absently playing with Aziraphale’s hair as her head was resting upon her chest. “My seraphim...If you’re leaving me, do it now.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Aziraphale said. “Because this isn’t a mistake. You’re not a mistake.”

"I'm going to turn on some music." Crowley reached over and turned on the clock radio. A soft little song came on and Crowley groaned.

“What?” asked the angel.

“If you tell anyone that this song came on and I didn’t immediately turn it off…”

“What? What song is it?”

_“Just call me angel of the morning, angel_   
_Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby_   
_Just call me angel of the morning, angel_   
_Then slowly turn away from me.”_

“You sentimental fool,” Aziraphale smiled, snuggling in tighter.

...

They managed to thwart the forces of their respective home offices by impersonating each other, and met back in the park to switch back.

“Anyone looking?”

“Nobody.”

“Switch back, then.”

They grabbed each others hands and switched back into their usual forms. But after they’d shifted back, they stayed holding hands for a moment longer than they really needed to.

“Has anyone ever told you, Crowley?” asked Aziraphale. “That you have very lovely hands?”

“Think Sappho did once,” Crowley admitted. “Turned her down though.”

The two of them chuckled and gazed at each other for a moment.

“So Agnes Nutters prophecies were right on the money,” Aziraphale admitted.

“Suppose they were,” Crowley grinned. "Some apocalypse, huh? I mean, when they say 'end of the world'-"

"Yeah I've been thinking about that," Aziraphale said. "They used the word 'apocalypse' so much...and I forgot the original Greek meaning of the word. It's from the Greek for 'uncover' or 'reveal'. So maybe this was the plan all along. To make us reveal...how we feel."

“So how will this work now...us?" Crowley asked. "Same old Arrangement?”

“We don’t have superiors anymore,” Aziraphale reminded her. “I think we can...come to a new Arrangement.”

Crowley kissed her then drew away. “Let me tempt you to a spot of lunch?”

“Temptation accomplished,” Aziraphale laughed.

“Don’t know if it has been yet, angel,” she said, getting to her feet.

They got back into Crowley’s Bentley, which was magically none the worse for wear after the previous day’s events.

“Can you hand me my new lipstick?” Crowley asked after they’d gotten to the car. “It’s in the glove compartment, just there.”

“Devil’s Matte-Vocate?” Aziraphale read, raising her eyebrows.

“I thought it was funny!” Crowley laughed, snatching it up and applying it. “So what do you think, angel? You like it? You want to try it on?”

“I’m not really much for makeup myself-”

“Not what I meant,” she said, chucking it out the window. “It’s irrelevant. I was asking you if you wanted to _try on my new lipstick_ , angel.”

Aziraphale slowly caught her drift. “Don’t mind if I do,” she blushed.

Crowley kissed her and then pulled away. “See, what did I tell you? That shade is simply lovely on you, A.Z. Let me just turn on some music. Got this Florence + the Machine song ‘Bedroom Hymns’ that I think you’ll like…”

She turned on the CD and turned it to the track, then swore audibly.

Aziraphale smiled at her fondly. “Left this one in the car too long too, haven’t you?”

The song that had come on was “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”.

“That’s alright,” said Aziraphale. “I think I rather like the sound of this one. So we can leave it on. So. Where should we go for lunch?”

Crowley smiled. “Got plenty to eat right here in the car.”

“Is that innuendo, Crowley?”

“You know, for an angel you sure do have a filthy mind. But now you mention it, I wouldn’t mind sampling a bit of your angel food cake…” Crowley kissed her again.

Aziraphale chuckled. “That was sort of disgusting, Crowley.”

“But it’s working?”

“Damn it, Crowley, it’s working…”

They found themselves tumbling into the backseat of the Bentley, Aziraphale on top.

“Fine, you can have some angel food cake,” the angel breathed, unzipping the funny little zipper on the front of Crowley’s tight little tank top. “But you’ve got to give me some of those deviled eggs.”

Crowley laughed and pulled away. “What was that, angel?”

“I was trying something. Two can play at this game.”

But she just laughed harder. “That was _disgusting_ …Just _terrible_ , angel.”

“But it’s working?”

“Damn it, Zira, I don’t know what it says about me, but it really really is.” She kept laughing but was cut off in mid-laugh by Aziraphale kissing her.

Aziraphale drew back and took off her coat. “So tell me, Crowley, how did this other song go?”

Crowley looked up at her and smirked. “It’s as good a place to fall as any…” She leaned up to kiss the angel, then flipped her over so that she was on top instead. “I’ll build my alter here…” She began kissing her neck and traveling lower.

Aziraphale let this go on for a moment before taking her face in her hands and bringing it up to kiss her again. Then she shifted positions again, getting back on top. “No, no...Allow me to worship at yours instead.”

Then Crowley was being kissed again, Aziraphale using the same moves on her that she had been only a moment before. As the angels lips traveled ever lower, Crowley sang under her breath:

_“This is her body_   
_This is her blood_   
_Such selfish prayers_   
_And I can't get enough…”_


End file.
